Saturday, August 27, 2005

Checking In

A taste of fall, this photo, taken yesterday--home-grown tomatoes lined up on the next-door neighbor's back patio. Where has the summer gone? Where have I been? In my head, mostly, to tell the truth. Lots going on up there, contemplation of many things--Should I quit my job? (And then I got a hefty raise.) Should I have another baby? (Husband against this idea.) Should I go back to school and get an MFA? And then recently a deeper commitment to my inner work, which means that to any outsider observer, essentially nothing has changed. But it has and is. I do think it is.

I've been reading Seth, the first book he "wrote" through Jane Roberts, Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul. I bought this book a few years ago yet had only skimmed it before. Now I'm reading it all, and sometimes have trouble putting it down. Not many people I know are familiar with these books, or of Seth, the self-described "energy personality essence" whom Jane Roberts channeled from the late sixties until her death in 1984. I've mentioned my choice in reading to only a select few. Many, I know, would find it weird, nonsense, suspicious, crazy. I have to say I have been profoundly moved and inspired reading this book. I intend to move on to The Seth Material, which Jane wrote about her experience of becoming a medium and channeling Seth. I also own two other books about Seth/Jane Roberts, both of which I also bought a few years ago. One is also by Jane Roberts, The God of Jane. The other, Conversations with Seth, is by Jane's friend Susan Watkins, who attended Jane's ESP class and witnessed the Seth personality many times. I'd like to read more from Seth, too. He "wrote" many things through Jane (her husband, Robert Butts dictating while she was in a trance state). One I'm especially curious about is The Natural of Personal Reality, whose chapters correspond very closely with the major arcana of the tarot.

Just before I was drawn to pick the Seth book off my shelf to really read this time, I had an experience that moved me in an unexpected way. I still puzzle over it, and yet the Seth book, amazingly, as if suggested to me to add further depth to what I had felt, has made me believe there was indeed a deep meaning in it. (I find that with books: I sometimes buy them with a clear interest but then put them away virtually unopened. The "right" time to read them seems to need to ripen, much like the tomatoes on my neighbor's patio. I am always so pleasantly surprised when that time arrives. A well-stocked book shelf can be a treasure trove. I take exception to my husband's belief that I "just like to add books to the shelf." Oh, how he misunderstands the draw of books. They often speak to me initially of somethin I need, but they may also equally need to be on the shelf until I ripen mentally and am truly ready to appreciate them.)

So, I had this experience of a member of my dream group making a sudden decision to sell his house and all his belongings and move with his wife to another part of the country. He had his reasons. I didn't want him to go. I felt sad about it. I hoped it wouldn't come to fruition. This drama playing out over about two months. His plans became more and more solidified. Finally, his day of departure was upon us. He came to group for the last time.

Now, I really liked him. I felt a connection to him. I felt a deep understanding to his dreams, and I think he felt the same way about me. It was a funny thing because I didn't have a "crush" on him in a traditional (for me) sense. And perhaps as a result, I didn't understand how much I cared about him. And then, that last night, we all went around the room and took turns saying something to him, about him. I offered to go right away. I felt myself prepared to say some nice things to him, to tell him I would miss him. And yet when I opened my mouth to speak I completely lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and couldn't get any very intelligible words out. The whole time I kept thinking, "Get a hold of yourself. You don't do that kind of thing. What is going on?"

I consider myself a sensitive person, but a pretty buttoned up, in-control kind of person in situations like that. It blew me away. Everyone was surprised. He was surprised. I was embarrassed, of course. But also inside, I was simply stunned. We all went out for drinks after group, and I acted chipper, pleasant. Yet inside I was stunned, worn out. I've mourned his leaving ever since. I feel as if some part of me has been hacked away. And yet, again, a more rational rooted-in-this-reality of ours side of myself tries to say, "You didn't even know him that well." But now, reading the Seth book, I of course wonder, how is Dave connected to me? Is there some deep beyond-this-life connection? Is there more history there than I am presently aware of? I at least acknowledge with great confidence that we understand only the smallest tip of what flows beneath and between us all.

I was going to speak of my knitting, which I've been obsessed about again. I have some pictures, too, of projects finished and in process. Perhaps I will sign off for now and tackle that topic later--but soon later, not in another month and a half.

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